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Friday, September 12th, 2003

Not So Secret Anymore

Several of us in my writer’s workshop decided to pelt the magazine Strange Horizons with Zombie Unicorn stories for April Fool’s day. My entry into the silliness was a Very Secret Diary of the Zombie Unicorn (with many apologies to hysterically funny Cassandra Claire. Check her original secret diaries. I’ve determined, through extensive investigation, that this story really isn’t publishable in any real market, so I’m chaffing it. Enjoy!

The Very Secret Diary of the Zombie Unicorn

Dorothy Lindman

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Day One

Odd little man came into woods today, peddling strawberry scented bath soap. Had a good laugh with all the woodland creatures. Natural scent much sweeter than strawberries–maidens love it.

Little man v. upset, kept chanting “ting, tang, walla walla bing bang.” Had to gore him to shut him up.

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Day Four

V. tired. Slept like the dead for three days.

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Day Five

Seem to be followed by a strange odor. Gloss of coat starting to congeal. Perhaps a bath is in order.

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Later

Strawberry bubble bath turned yellow and fizzy. V. odd. Annoying woodland creatures watched, bug-eyed. Told them their faces would freeze that way.

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Day Six

Right front fetlock fell off in pool. Coat still slimy, dammit.

Was right about the faces freezing, at least. Go me!

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Day Seven

Caught annoying squirrel and ate its brain: a full-bodied little cortex with a delightful woodsy aroma. Testosterone finish a bit too strong for my taste, though.

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Day Eight

Ate rabbit this morning. Bad choice. Too much sex rots the brain. Feeling quite ill now.

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Day Eleven

Rudely wakened from restless sleep of the undead by screeching naked banshee. Claimed to be a maiden. Wanted me to dip horn in water. “Maiden” my festering fetlock. V. disturbing.

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Day Twelve

White maidens can’t dance.

Getting peckish. Considering eating maiden’s brain. At least she’ll stop dancing.

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Day Thirteen

Maiden’s brain reeks of wannabe slut. Ick. Had to let her garland me with flowers to cover up the stench.

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Day Fourteen

Maiden tossed flower wreaths onto horn. Oddly enjoyable. Maybe not-so-maidenly maiden not so bad.

Still hungry.

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Day Sixteen

Horned a cup of water, but maiden still whinging about sick BF not touching her maidenly parts. Am quite famished, now. Wonder if BF has a virgin brain. Decided to go to village and see.

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Day Seventeen

Got to village. Guard brains not virgins, but OK for a snack. Gored maiden to shut her up.

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Day Eighteen

BF’s brain definitely a virgin–never thought about sex with a maiden. V. tasty.

Stableboys have virgin brains, too, and really enjoy polishing my horn. Had a really good meal and got to play “Horn, Horn, Who’s Got the Horn?” with amusing rubber horn. Go me!

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Day Nineteen

Annoying ex-maiden looks ridiculous in black leather cheerleader outfit. Would have gored her, but BF wanted to polish my horn again.

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Day Twenty

Stable warm and cozy, and stableboys don’t mind slimy coat. Could get to like it here. Horn very shiny now. No annoying maidens in sight.

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