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Friday, November 12th, 2004

God is not an asshole

I’ve had several people mention my theological litmus test: “Any premise that leads to the conclusion that God is an asshole is, by definition, wrong.”

It is very useful when dealing with fundamentalists. If you walk through the implications of their theology, most of the time you will end at, “Geez, what an asshole!” Then you rightfully become horrifed and offended at their suggestion that God is an asshole.

Evolution is a good example. (I never got served the evolution kool-aid, so I didn’t have to purge that, at least!)

Start with the premise that one of the creation accounts in Genesis is literally true (we’ll ignore the fact that there are two, cause it breaks down as soon as you realize that). So the Earth was created in six days, somewhere around 6,000 years ago.

But, then, where did the fossils of dinosaurs and other paleolithic creatures come from? None of those are mentioned in the Bible. I’ve heard two explanations:

1) God put them there to test our faith.

So God gave us these really impressive brains and then purposely planted scientific evidence that, if we use our God-given brains, would cause us to doubt the Bible? And if we doubt the Bible, we go to hell? (And depending on how you interpret the parable of the talents, if we don’t use our God-given gifts, we also go to hell.)

Say it with me: What an asshole!

That premise is off the table.

2) Satan put them there to trick us into going to Hell.

Satan is an interesting figure. He only appears twice in the Bible: in the book of Job, and in the gospels where Jesus is fasting in the desert. (The serpent in the Garden of Eden is never named as Satan–it’s just the serpent. Identifying it as Satan is taking liberties with the word of God. Sorry. Out of bounds.) In each case, Satan appears to test God’s servant. In Job, God orders Satan to test Job (granted, at Satan’s suggestion, but still). In the gospels, Jesus orders Satan away. In each case it is clear that Satan is subject to God’s command. Makes sense. God created everything, he has power over all of his creations…and Satan is one of God’s creations. So if Satan planted the fossils, it was at best with God’s acquiesence, and at worst, at God’s command.

See the concluson to premise 1: What an asshole.

The other possibility is that Satan is not subject to God’s power, that he is at least on equal footing with God. If this is the case, then God is off the hook for the fossils because he can’t prevent Satan from planting them anyway.

So our final options are:

1) Maybe the creation account in Genesis is metaphorically true rather than literally true.

2) God is an asshole.

3) Satan is more powerful than God.

You pick which one you choose to believe.

(Although, I must admit, given the number of assholes I’ve met in fundamentalist sects, sometimes I wonder if Yahweh did create these people is his own image.)

This entry was posted on Friday, November 12th, 2004 at 8:52 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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