Tuesday, December 14th, 2004

Waiting for the Rapture

Here’s my own little post-apocalyptic flash story. It’s quite appropriately 666 words.

The Number-Cruncher of the Beast

Yes, sir, it’s true what they told you: I slept through the Apocalypse.

How? Well, there was a certain amount of alcohol involved–okay, large quantities of alcohol. So while the righteous were washed clean in the blood of the Lamb, I was wallowing in a pool of vodka and vomit. And while a third of the seas turned to blood, a third of my blood turned to ethanol. When your minions gathered everyone and marked them with the sign of the Beast, they missed me passed out in the bathroom.

When I finally came to, I cleaned myself up and headed for work. What? Well, of course I heard the wailing and the gnashing of teeth–but that pretty much describes a typical Monday in my profession.

I’m an Acquisitions Reorganization Coordinator. A chainsaw consultant.

When someone takes over a company, they bring me in to sort everything out: assess resources and liabilities, figure out how the heck this new piece of real estate fits the company’s “vision,” and–probably most importantly–discover how badly the outgoing leadership screwed us over.

Of course it happens every time! Why the hell do you think I drink so much? I haven’t yet seen a takeover that wasn’t sabotaged. Including this one.

Um…no disrespect intended, but I think you’re being horribly naive. Yeah, sure, the initial takeover went well, but now what? They told you you’re supposed to reign for, what? a thousand years? I’d say if you manage to get fifty out of this mess, you’re a genius. If you get a hundred, I’ll call you a miracle worker.

The problem is that for the last twenty years or so, the folks in charge knew this was coming. I used to think they were just short-sighted assholes, but now I see the motive: get their numbers up, look good to their Boss, and check out with a bonus. Of course, they left everything in unrecoverable chaos to do it. Happens all the time.

How did they know? Well, they claim the signs were there, but come on–haven’t the signs been there since, like, Constantine’s day? I find it interesting that they also all claim to have a very close, personal relationship to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I’m assuming he was in on the timetable?

Would he actually cheat like that? How would I know? You’ve met him, I haven’t. But after your reign he’s scheduled to come back and take over, right? All I know is that no manager I’ve come in behind could resist that: watching the new guy run crying back to corporate because he couldn’t keep it together. You have to ask yourself if he was more divine or human in this particular instance.

Hm….The way I see it, you have three choices. You could trash the place. But if he did set you up, that would be just what he wants you to do.

You could go on with your original plan, and in a few decades, you’ll be sitting in a vast empty wasteland. Hell, you might as well go home.

Option three? This is my usual tactic, honestly. Let me tell you a secret about management: if everything is going okay, employees don’t give a damn who’s in charge. If you handle things just right, you can convince employees that the takeover is the best thing that ever happened to them.

Yeah, I know it goes against your style. Look at it this way: how would Christ react if he comes back in a thousand years to “rescue” everyone–and they don’t want him, because you made it so good for them?

Me? I guess I’d start with this whole pollution thing….

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