Thursday, March 8th, 2007

“Can I Look at Your Ass Now?”(or “I don’t want to be sexist, but damn, women are hot!”

It’s Blog Against Sexism Day, and I thought I’d address one issue that seems to be a sticking point for a lot of guys who are otherwise not particularly sexist:

From a comment on this thread on Femisite:

that there WILL be times when I look at a girl’s ass because, well, I rather like ‘em. (There is obviously a line between leering/being creepy which is a digression I’m not interested in right now)

Ah, the eternal question: How can I respect women when I still want to check out their asses?

As an ex-professional bellydancer, I have a lot of experience at being ogled (either directly or watching one of my partners go through it). Two particular experiences still stand out, and I’d like to present them for analysis:

Comment 1) I walked past a man and barely overhead him whisper “Wow.” I was flattered: that made my day.

Comment 2) I walked past three-four young men, and one loudly proclaimed, “Now there’s a woman who looks like she needs to get laid.” I was annoyed and offended; the speaker noticed me roll my eyes, and just as loudly said with a snort, “Well, maybe not.”

Now, let’s look at what’s different between these two comments:

Judgment:
– Comment 2 made a judgment about me as a person based on my appearance: I “needed to get laid”. I do? Who the hell are you to tell me whether I need to get laid? How do you know I don’t have that aspect of my life “handled” already?
– Comment 1 made no such judgment: it was a comment about my appearance, and nothing else.

Assumption:
– Comment 2 has an unspoken assumption to it: she needs to get laid by me or by my friends.
– Comment 1 includes no assumption of any kind.

These two right here make the biggest differentiator. If you can manage to do your ogling without judging the ogle-ee or making assumptions about your rights to her, you’ll probably be OK most of the time.

Imposition:
– Comment 2 was brash and loud: it interrupted what I was doing and demanded my attention. I–and everyone else around–was supposed to hear it and pay attention to the speaker.
– Comment 1 was whispered. I don’t know if the man intended for me to hear it; I actually don’t know if that man even realized I’d overheard. Either way, it was subtle, and I was free to acknowledge it or ignore it. (As it happens, I was on my way to the bathroom, so I chose to continue walking.)

Reaction:
– Comment 2 was followed up with a snotty reply when I reacted badly. It implied that I didn’t have the privilege of choosing my response: I was apparently supposed to be thrilled that the speaker had deigned to pay attention to me, or something. (Note that it was the tone that was at issue, not the words. If he had said it as an apology or an “oops I was mistaken” kind of thing, that would have been completely different.)
– Comment 1 was not followed up with anything that I know of. If that man was annoyed that I didn’t respond, he kept it to himself.

Purpose:
– Comment 2 and its reaction comment was clearly all about showing off to the group, about being cool. It might have also been about making me feel intimidated, but that impression may just have been the circumstances (four of them, one of me).
– Comment 1 was just about appreciating a woman’s appearance. I didn’t sense any other “reason” behind it.

So, to sum it up, when you are ogling people:

1) Don’t make any judgments about their character. (”She’s got big boobs–she must be stupid”; “she’s hot–she must be a slut.” Etc.)

2) Don’t assume that you have any rights over them.

3) Don’t impose yourself on them or demand that they respond to you.

4) If they don’t respond well, don’t react like a whiny, spoiled brat. (This also means that you apologize if they are offended by your ogling!)

5) Don’t ogle to intimidate them or to puff up your own ego.

Now, even though I’ve phrased this as “men” and “women”, it obviously applies to either gender being ogled by either gender. Generally, you’ll be OK if you just remember that the person you’re ogling is exactly that: A PERSON.

2 Responses to ““Can I Look at Your Ass Now?”(or “I don’t want to be sexist, but damn, women are hot!””

1. Tony (aka loving hubby) Says:
   March 8th, 2007 at 10:30 pm

   I differentiate between “ogling” and “leering”. I ogle. I will freely admit I like to observe the female form, in its infinite variety. I like skin. I like curves. I like fronts, backs, tops, bottoms. I watch, and will even turn around to get a second look. What I *won’t* do is whistle, catcall, or say anything inappropriate. I also won’t stare for extended periods, or even for short periods if she’s looking. I do not ever want to make a woman uncomfortable about being looked at. And I appreciate that you understand the distinction.

2. ANP Says:
   March 8th, 2007 at 11:20 pm

   Concur!

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