Wednesday, March 21st, 2007

Mysogynist-to-English Dictionary

Often on various feminist blogs, some poor guy opens up his mouth and makes what he thinks is an innocent statement, only to get verbally shredded by lashing tongues and razor wits.

And the guy sits there thinking, “Hey, Wha Happened?”

Well, it’s possible that the guy has accidentally bumped up against a peculiar language known as Edited Standard Misogynist Asshole or ESMA. ESMA contains many words that sound like regular English, but this is just pure coincidence. All ESMA words are in the first person narcissist declension, which has a very strict usage: it always focuses on the ESMA speaker only, regardless of what else might be implied.

People who travel in feminist circles very quickly figure this out and shy away from the English homophones to avoid confusion. Some of these you are probably already familiar with, for example:

Bitch: a woman who doesn’t follow my orders
Uppity Bitch: a woman who calls me an asshole when I give her orders
Lazy Bitch: a woman who insists I do half of the housework and childrearing
Castrating Bitch: my ex-wife

Some of the less well-known (and therefore more troublesome) ESMA homophones after the jump:

In relationships:
Nice Guy: me (primary usage “Why do women always date Jerks and not Nice Guys?”)
Jerk: a man who’s having sex with a woman I want to have sex with
Romance: the bullshit you have to go through to get a woman to have sex with you
Gay (or Probably Gay): any man (other than me) whom women find attractive
Slut: a woman who has sex with men other me
Whore: a woman who thinks she gets to choose whom to have sex with, even though she’s Asking For It
Asking For It: going out of her way to attract me sexually (for example, wearing nice clothes, wearing makeup, getting her hair done, bathing, going out in public, etc.)
Lesbian: an unattached woman who won’t have sex with me and refuses to give me a Legitimate Reason
Legitimate Reason: “I’m a nun.”

In politics
Chivalry: Opening a door for a woman, which automatically inoculates me against any charges of misogyny
Feminist: a woman who thinks she gets to decide whom to have sex with
Manhating feminist: a woman who thinks she should get paid as much as a man with the same experience and education and doing the same job
FemiNazi: a woman who calls me a misogynist asshole when I act like a misogynist asshole
Girly-man (also Sissy, Pussy, or Whipped): a man who calls me a misogynist asshole when I act like a misogynist asshole
The Gay Agenda: the conspiracy among all homosexuals to suck my cock
Cunt: a woman who converses with me for 10 minutes and still disagrees with me

4 Responses to “Mysogynist-to-English Dictionary”

1. Floyd Says:
   March 22nd, 2007 at 9:34 am

   Hahaha, that’s AWESOME! I’m going to print a copy to keep in my wallet…

2. paul Says:
   March 22nd, 2007 at 11:07 am

   I’d like to offer a few corrections:

   Gay: Has better fashion sense than me. Or doesn’t treat women like scum.

   Slut: includes women who have sex with me if I feel threatened by the manner or degree in which they enjoy it.

3. smash Says:
   March 22nd, 2007 at 11:14 am

   I particularly like the “Gay Agenda.”

4. Dorothy Says:
   March 22nd, 2007 at 7:26 pm

   Oh, Paul, good point. I need to add:

   Dirty Slut (also, Filthy Slut): A woman who enjoys sex (regardless of whether its with me)

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